Its morn 1 oclock..

i am alone today...after many days..i don't like being lonely but in many ways its so very important for me..i spent time thinking about the changes coming around me which are so very evident but somehow i have failed to notice them for so long...

Anyways yesterday i attended a 25Th anniversary of a very dear aunt and uncle..there was so much love shared in that single night..the bygone 25 yrs were somehow relived...it just made a strange impression on me..or perhaps it helped me recognize so many thoughts that havn't been deciphered earlier...life is a big big circle...as you live through each day you weave a new memory..you learn a new thing..u laugh..u cry..u try different flavour of the ever changing life...these words so frequently read,so frequently seen but felt in some rare moments!!!

..but these days i have been doing nothing but creating a mess of people, of things that i should so cherish..i had been constantly fighting with one friend,i have been so out of touch with other..the only reason they are so far away from India!!then my other friends i kept on thinking they all are very busy and so i made myself more busy then them and while meeting them i had my shield around me!!(not a good defence mechanism here)...then i had been feeling emotionally so far away from my family so much so..that when we all were together,i somehow failed to be happy from within when everyone was laughing....i had been dreading in many ways about going back to college to be away from gossips and bad limelight there...and biggest thing while at home i got chances to connect to so many people together i somehow failed to balance the timings..i failed to realise their importance wen i had been with them because of my preconceived concepts of everyone going on different tracks in their own world...don't know whether i had been sad about being so far away from my old buddies or i had been angry about it...or more aptly had i been frustrated about not knowing them as i did before?..in short i had gone berserk and created nuisance of nothing...complicated matters for myself...

...now wen today no one is there i feel strange and without reason i feel happy too..surprisingly. god at times leave u lonely n at times keeps so many people around..anyhow its like a gr8 conflict is over..i am glad of at least having had the chance to meet everyone up..of knowing about them a little more..and yes knowing myself more too ..so the moral of the story is..there is so much to be valued..so if god has left me alone for one day its for me to resolve the hassled up issues in my devil mind....so Rashika learn to acknowledge the dear love around you!!!!

Ten arbitrary things..

Today i was asked two simplest questions ..surprisingly i couldn't give an answer instantaneously..perhaps there isn't one specific thing..so Below are ten first thought random answers to the two commonest questions...
Ten things i love-
1.My parents, chooze and,my friends.
2.Food.
3.New clothes(only new ones..)
4.Laughing.
5.Small kids and puppies.
6.Thinking and talking without thinking.
7. Meeting new people.
8.Rain.
9.Indian festivals.
10.My mirror and myself:)

Ten things i hate...(this one's tough)
1.Rumours and being gossiped about.
2.Hypocrisy.
3.Studying(at times).
4.Bathing.
5.Getting up early and cleaning my room.
6.Leaving any place u have adjusted to ..
7.Being underestimated and misunderstood.
8.Wearing specs .
9.Fighting with friends .
10.Terrorism(sounds unappropriate here but very true...).

THE OATH...

Medicine ,howsoever noble, is a profession full of moral conflicts and dilemmas ... medical ethics are something which are by far the most important values any doctor or for that matter students should follow to preserve the sanctity of this field..though this should have been my first post,i publish it now wherein i mention the wow that any to be "good" doctor should take..its called the hippocratic oath.. The Hippocratic Oath is an oath traditionally taken by physicians pertaining to the ethical practice of medicine. It is widely believed that the oath was written by Hippocrates, the father of medicine, in the 4th century BC, or by one of his students... It goes as follows..

"I swear by Apollo, Asclepius, Hygieia, and Panacea, and I take to witness all the gods, all the goddesses, to keep according to my ability and my judgment, the following Oath.
To consider dear to me, as my parents, him who taught me this art; to live in common with him and, if necessary, to share my goods with him; To look upon his children as my own brothers, to teach them this art.
I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone.
To please no one will I prescribe a deadly drug nor give advice which may cause his death.
But I will preserve the purity of my life and my arts.
I will not cut for stone, even for patients in whom the disease is manifest; I will leave this operation to be performed by practitioners, specialists in this art.
In every house where I come I will enter only for the good of my patients, keeping myself far from all intentional ill-doing and all seduction and especially from the pleasures of love with women or with men, be they free or slaves.
All that may come to my knowledge in the exercise of my profession or in daily commerce with men, which ought not to be spread abroad, I will keep secret and will never reveal.
If I keep this oath faithfully, may I enjoy my life and practice my art, respected by all men and in all times; but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the reverse be my lot."

Lain Lain go abay!!!

The loveliest part of holidays (post exam time)is doing nothing...just have a novel in your hand...music on.. eat lots and be lazy with mum at her heels!!!wow..but that's quite like a dream with two "messy" kids at home...music has to do something with rhymes..food has to b shared:(..and novel taken care of FOR FEAR OF BEING TORN!!!..
Coming to the weather..rainy season..always a 'happy' season for me..n i was overjoyed when someone other then me was being scolded for getting wet in rains...seriously i love it when ma rebukes Aadi Diaa for something..
So it happens like this that one day there are few guests at my home..Aadi Diaa playing on terrace and me fully committed to Erich Segal's Doctors...
I was treated like the elder daughter of our home and dutifully assigned the job of getting Aadi Diaa downstairs before it starts raining..the weather was so unlike that it might rain...but my luck it did..as i reached the terrace...my first sister instinct made me think i should bring my kids in..but then i had played when i was small and even in agreement about the fever season..still every child deserves their experience in the cold showers!!
so giving up all my task as 'elder ' daughter..the next second we three were splashing water everywhere,playing ring-a ringa roses(aadi commenting in midst game"hawwww hum last mei baithenge kahan!!! jameen toh geela hai:):):))..and singing "lain lain go abay,cum again anather day, littal jonny wans tooo pay"(rain rain go away!!)..
To be true i lost track of time and felt myself to be a 8 or 9 yr old kid..its fun to get dirty,to look upwards towards sky wen rain falls down..to feel the water droplets on your face..to be aware of the fact that you shouldn't be doing it..and still do it...i knew aadi diaa were happy..so i was..i guess nothing more important then that...
So i was prepared for the scoldings..but the surprising part...i heard over..'they are my three kids-cant help'...now i m smiling since then..and singing this rhyme which my chooze taught me:)..fact underlined- rain is the best thing god ever made!!

ADIEU TO 1st MBBS..

Though i love marking landmarks in my life.. finishing 1st year MBBS is surely something to be sceptical of,something which i think should be pondered on ..because in one way or other this has been the year of change for all of us..
academically i feel i have enriched my vocabulary more than i did in last five years!!!..you just read the name of diseases, muscles, drugs etc , you are dumbstruck and you think that wow you are yet sane enough after reading these !!(i still feel doctors need some IUPAC naming system)..i have seen almost every organ of the body,felt it,and to be true played with it..i would no longer narrow my eyes and exclaim and let out strange voices while holding a uterus or a human heart for that matter...
The important part is there has been a realisation about what i m getting into..about the magnanimity of the profession..about the uncertainty factor, about helplessness in this field, here there can be no end to frustration...a walk through the hospital and you have the most unique rendezvous with human emotions!!!To be concise its a realisation that in future I'd be living with alive people struggling to live....
Then comes the part about me..this year made me a lot confident..gave me the ability to accept that at some or other point in life you have to stand alone,it made me more independent and I’ll write this one too..it made me accept not everyone in this world is good!!
I am sounding as if this years been tough..according to norms it should have been but I loved every bit of it..i see myself laughing,being naughty ,being careless,being free and most important of all being the same person in essentials!!!but true I discovered a Rashika who is grown up,more matured, is less of a “Jumping jack”, understands ‘talks’,who has grown serious..
but still I adore her because yet she is one of the cheerful ones!!!..
and yes this year gave meaning to my name too..thanx to a friend!!Now that’s an achievement to be proud of.. :)
I don’t know I managed to create an identity in BJ or not or how much more time I’l take to make one,no idea how many enemies I made(I think I made many)but I made valuable friends,I made friends who will last..its all that matters to me…
Further coming to small things..i became more girly.i mean I started wearing suits ,though I still haven't managed to carry them well..i have started ironing and cleaning my wardrobe(once in a while I do that and it’s a big task!!)..i have started eating baigan ka bharta,tasted bhindi,ate locky,and what not..so to say I made my ma happy!!i lost weight(i have lost a bit though but without dieting)..and I am loosing hair too..
There have been some real worthwhile moments good as well as bad which i m gonna remember for sure.. to list some-

My first LCD..
First dissection period..
First talk with different people there-I distinctly remember the ones with Neha ,Gill and yes Ajit(roll no 1 )..
The poster competition..
Touching Belsare ma’am feet..(first teacher I ever touched feet as it is not allowed here in north)
Cbse meet in JJ park:)
Winning TT in vedant..
Waking up early for practicing basket ball!!!
The Strike..
The Blood donation camp and fainting there...
I turn 20!!!!!!!!!! :(
Bunking demonstration and talking some crap with a friend in the class itself..

Taking the coronal section of the skull(it was disappointing..)

Night stay in pshyche ward..
The candle light march..
Studying for first time in college for exams in December..
Watching “tare zameen pe”sitting on the floor in the front row and crying there..
Celebrating new year on terrace ..
Shweta’s departure...
All our terrace talks ..
Exam period ..
Seniors sessions..
Matheran ..
The days ..
Being asked to “go out” of the only “Gynae” class for being the innocent disturbing factor!!!
Senior sesssions ..
Playing cricket with seniors!!
Playing tt again..
Senior sessions:)
Then was the conflict period..the freshies and lots of politics,
library hours…
The long (short)Ccd “chat”(couldn't frame another name):)
Movie “u me and hum”(was real dramatic) ..
(vill be adding more...)
So and so much….Lots of it remain-proposals ,making over,fighting,room shifting,dancing ,exam tension and all that makes us moving and experiencing the charm…now that first year has passed I’ll say I am happy everything happened..it helped me a lot..or rather it helped us all a lot…!!!!!!!!

Fiasco of thoughts..

Thoughts can be weird...can be overpowering..in fact thoughts can whirl you around and make you go frenzied ...
right now i am talking about random thoughts,about anything abstract..
Standing on terrace of multi storied flats (i must be on 9Th floor to say)building with a friend..i had one of the encounters with these omnipresent whirlpool of thoughts..i need to mention that back in college the days had been "not so good"(to be rational)..last week especially had been a complete hell of an experience!!i am not going into details of that..
so there i was standing looking down at the streets below,the kids playing n everything..suddenly it occurred to me how meagre we are, how small,perhaps how insignificant in this vast world ..i thought about thoughts ,and that how strangely are mind works...
i thought about the fights back in college..they seemed far and childish standing there..
i thought about relationships..how they changed..how many promises you make ,how many feelings you have,but at one point as you move ahead they are subjected to change for better or for worse..nothing is static..so should people stop promising..is there anything like commitment???seriously i had been drifting and drifting with no answers..perhaps its just the case with me..one shouldn't entertain these thoughts..but how do we shut our mind then???
i realised that how free our thoughts are..no one can prevent them from occurring,howsoever good a person is..envy,jealousy and selfishness do overpower the virtuous thoughts at some time..i don't say that guilt doesn't follows...
two or three months before i had been thinking good of about a whole bunch of people around me feeling myself lucky to be among such people..but two or three days before i had been sad about being among them only..then again today my thoughts are saying is there any grounds,any standard or any basis..or rather are we human enough to judge any other human..
i thought or rather realised i need to accept that there are people who dislike me for who i am..
but instead of growing sad about it i should be happy about the people who do appreciate me...i stood there for long with my friend ..thinking what this person is going to mean for me after perhaps 1 year..naah i thought 6 months would be long enough...
see here is what i am emphasising on..we grow..we think..we change..and the inevitable change comes out of blue in no particular limits of time..
completely entangled and in no mood to "think" further..
i just smiled at my friend and prayed that our thoughts shouldn't lead us astray from people who really matter ...back at hostel i messaged or called some of my old friends..just to let my relations take a better turn in their path to change!!!
True sometimes even a fiasco of thoughts helps..

My kids' day at school..

How i wish i had a dumbledore's pensieve where i could safely store my countless memories..When it comes to my kids..i really have a whole maze!!

It is as if i am living two lives..one of my own and one that is 17 years behind but mine only...

there are so many incidences when it is difficult to stop smiling the entire day..

Last time when i was at home during diwali hols..there was some annual function to be organised in aadi diaa's school.so ma wanted me to go and just talk to their teacher once to enquire about the dresses or any further notice.. looking back i am happy i wasnt lazy that particular day...

I reached their school at around 9:30..their school begins at 8:00..

Dont kno what exactly i was thinking then..i had grudges for having to wake up early(9:00 am at home is early!!!)..i had a bit uncomfort that what am i supposed to say to the principal..(n yes i had the air that cant anything be managed without me??well that all just beacuse i was half asleep..)..

Neeta maam saw me coming and notioned me not to come in view till she says..so i just stayd beside the door viewing the disorder the so calld angels were creating...

to begin with one and only person not on her seat was my sister..she was near the rack holding colourful school bags..was having some kind of conversation with aashi .

i knew she was basically intersetd in having her lunch box which she did manage to eat by the end..(now perhaps feeling hungry is inherited in our family..our satiety centre is never satisfied!!)..

Then there was my brother who sat on the first seat just under the teachers nose..now that was a surprise to me..so ignoring diaa i devoted my full attention to aadi..he had nothing in hand and was again and again giving that mischievous smile which my ma and me are well aquainted with but blessed be the teacher that she isnt!!!

He sumhow managed to slip from the seat and exchanged it with a girl sitting behind him..the girl gave a scornful look..aadi smiled..and it was then the devil in him rose..

he patted the girl at the sholuder..(name :i yet hv to find out-i have to know that name in any case!!!)she turned back..aadi just grinned..he again patted her..she again turned..aadi grinned wider..

I didnt know what my brother was upto..but we peolple dont start that early huh ???!!!Aadi then kind of stroked that girls cheek..this time she was wearing a weary expression and seemed to be getting irritated,aah but my brother seemed to enjoy this just like he enjoys throwing his games down through the balcony!!!!

The breakpoint..aadi caught hold of her chair from behind..and slaaassssshhhhhh!!!!!!!!..my brothers first SLAP by a girl!!!!!..

good job girl(wish i knew her name)..but ohh the paradox the teacher scolded her!!

i finally entered the class to face aadi..who by god almighty's grace still had that winning expression on his face..now thats what you call spirit bro ..!!either he didnt realise that he had been slapped by the girl or he thought things which i cant yet...

Rest all what happened i dont remmbr nor does it holds any significance for me ...but cheers to my brother and sister..real proud of them!!!!!And Aadi when you grow up dont kill me for this one..!!

WALKING THE EXTRA MILE..

Five months into medical college..its still as intriguing for me as the first day..that I am going to become a doctor!!I am back home in this post exam period..while at airport ,my id was checked..the ground duty lady scanned me up n down with suspicious uncertain eyes n asked.."so you a medical student??"...I said yes but I restrained myself from asking"dont I look like one????"...
Now that is what baffles me..am I a medico yet???Am I prepared to be a medico??? I remember quite vividly..sitting on the terrace with my grandma..I must be then 9 yrs old ..n talking to her(then also it was me who was speaking!!)..I told her I wont become a doctor when I grow up..being a doctor is so very messy..I wont make myself as busy as my mum n dad were..I would never take this field even at the cost of being a tramp!!...
How far its seems..and the reality now curtains that piece of memory into a childhood dream..
The only fact (howsoever incredible it seems) today is everyday I somehow manage to get up..wear that long white apron..check for gloves n perhaps dissection box too.. rush towards "B.J. medical col"..n climb up, two at a time,the stairs to anat or physio lecture hall..(I am not in mood to mention biochemistry here) ..
I evryday learn terminology,phenomenons n facts about human body that makes me drift more and more steps further away from the so vast non medical world...
All my colleagues back there in BJ will agree to me how much different is this world..a second school.. a beginning of a second "long" journey..with talks and humour that is restricted to us but french to a commoner...
but somehow i became a part of it..when and how..i myself dont know..i now enjoy the tuberosities (ups)..n fossa's(downs)..of this medical college..i enjoy fighting with each other for having lost or misplaced bones during exams..knocking rooms at 2 at night and asking for extra skullss!i enjoy sitting in a room and diagnosing necrosis for a minor scratch!!!..i like making our own theories and turning that Bainbridge reflex into marey’s law in our simplest conversation..n I accept haven’t yet been able to find out where exactly that pterygoplalatine fossa lies!!!...
The clinicals we have..how I dread percussion!!..u have to say u heard a dull node evn if u didn’t even hear the resonant one..the histo slides(wont ever be able to distinguish an eyelid n lip##),the haemat pracs…with jaya never being able to fill up that capillary.. n me borrowing blood from others wenevr I can..and how can I forget to mention dissection..comeon we people till date get confused whether we are looking at an artery or nerve!!!!
Just a walk through the corridor of my hostel..i wonder if I had not been their collegue how much weird I might have found my fellows..there is neha explaining aashima what lurching gait is..she turned herself almost into a subject with paralysed gluteus medius...my roommate,with all tibia fibula..n countless bones..soo many books on her bed.. she sumwhere hidden within them….evryone seems to be a bundle of caricatures!!...
There is lots n lots..A matter of thought…its a HUGE world..its a new world..and I am walking the extra mile perhaps…